_call it Philophobia;

Monday, January 08, 2007

after 7 months together, this is my first time blogging abt the negative side of him. i dun really mean to do this. but.. somehow or rather, i have to let it out. arguments tend to happen in relationships. yes, of coz it does happen in mine. i dunno y. most of the time i blame him for the wrong things he did. y? becoz he is in the wrong. he admits it. ok nvm. but now.. im sick and tired of blaming him.. and nth gets into his head. maybe not nothing. but some of the things. yes, he's learning. but.. at sum point of time, i cant help it, but to burst out. now, all i got to do is to blame me. yes. me, myself. be it wadeva. as wad happened today,let the blame be on me, ok? im not being harsh or sarcastic or wadeva. i say it with my heart. juz put the blame on me. y? becoz i dun want things to get sour by another arguement. ppl may say.. why dont juz break up? i dun think thats the best way to settle things. there must be a way to it and i believe in that. yeah. sumtimes, i pity him.. coz always get scolded from me.. and he is having relationship for the first time in his whole life.. and the first time he really approach a gal with love. that's my weakest link and the reason why i always gave him chances to learn.

despite givin him all these chances, i dunno y.. sum things he do keeps me irriated and frustrated. yeah. maybe most of the times. i dunno y. last time im not so hot tempered towards him likenow. i juz dunno y.

dear, maybe i showed u my attitude or sumthing. im sorry for that. really sorry. but i juz dunno how to explain things to u. seriously, i dun. u dun even knw many things that i did, to keep this love alive. do u knw that how many times a day, i listen to those songs that reminds me of our love? how i talked to mum every nite abt the nice things u did to me? how i talked to bro abt how good are u in cars? how i talked to aqidah bout ur funny dialogues? how much i fight my fears of not losing u everyday? how many times i kept readin to ur msges every nite before i sleep? have u ever think of why i keep quiet out of the sudden, but at the same time, having a smile on my face? facade? im juz listening to the voice within. thats all. there's many things u have to learn. yes, i understand. but... it all takes time. and seeing u repeating those mistakes is like.. a knife being stabbed into my heart. for wad happened today at the airport.. yes, its a very small thing. but it reflects ur character to me. and im so sad abt that. u kept quiet all the way. every single second of that silence is killing me.

so now.. im blaming myself.
i blame myself for my silence too.
i blame myself for not talking to u nicely.
i blame myself for not understanding ur position.
i blame myself for crying.
i blame myself from walking away.
i blame myself for fallin in love deeply.
and.. i blame myself.. cause i cant forget u.

accidentally in love?
i wish and i prayed, it still is.
cause..
i've got u.

-& i leave you @ 20:50 :)