_call it Philophobia;

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

moved here>

re-link, alrite! thanks!

-& i leave you @ 23:42 :)

Sunday, December 30, 2007

before i leave 2007, i would like to close this blog with a story. a story which i never thought it would ever happen in my life. maybe there were a few times where i really sat down and thought abt it, but never once i knew that it would be such a heartbreaking one. a story which makes me want to leave 2007 as soon and welcome 2008 with an open heart..

i knew gerald is a chinese guy. yes, gerald. my bf. 1 and a half years ago, i never thought that our differences can tear us apart so badly. i start to feel that maybe one day, when we go our own separate ways, it may be due to our differences.. everyday i kept thinking abt this diffferences (race and religion) between us and everyday, i fought my way through to stay together, as one to keep this love burning. but i didnt know that it will turn out to be some disaster that happen too soon. and yes, with this, i broke up with him permanently. why? because his parents objected our relationship.

i dunno wad is going on within his family. all i knw is that his dad, kind of mentioned that it is tough if his son continues this relationship with me and he said that there are alot of differences. and he strongly felt that this relationship cant go on in a way.

so last thurs, i went for my 4e3 class chalet. and then.. gerald found some time and sat with me. he told me everything and just wanted a frend to frend kinda relationship. and i was disappointed. everythign was perfectly fine when suddenly he said that. it was a big blow to me. really. so suddenly he came out with the decision. i was speechless. yes, i was.

i went to a place all alone and try to fix this whole puzzle thing. i dunno wad went wrong and so suddenly, he wants to leave me. from day one, he promised that never he will leave me and thigns will be okay with him arnd. and i trusted him. and look, who left me. i can dare to say that he messed things up, as in.. he say things at the wrong time and he say it wrongly. he left me hanging just like that. and when i asked him for a reasonable explaination why must he take things so fast and why he make this harsh decision, he said that he cant be with me. its the matter of time. no matter wad, we still have to part. cause he said we cant be together anymore. and he cant lead me on.

but wad about me? i knew abt this all along and everyday, i fought day and night to keep this love alive. and now, after leading me through, you gave up and left me all alone like this? he started tis chapter and i truly understand his parents concern abt his relationship with me. but, he shuldnt say it so direct, till it stabs right through my heart. and with that, i respect his decision. cause i knw he cant go against his parents words. but is this the way to end things? by having one night, talk abt it and ta-dah! leave me. and in that second, he is my ex-boyfrend. how could he?

its okay if he HAVE to leave me due to our differences, because his parents said so. i truly understand that. with that alrd, it hurts me. but is this the way, he should do it? throw everythign at me? and i couldnt take it when he said that he still love me no matter wad and nothing can stop him from loving me. i will always be in his heart forever. wad does that mean? i must hold on things and cant be together? does that mean our love will kept unsaid forever? so when can i move on? with him saying that, i am afraid to love again. maybe not love, but to have a frend to be a special frend.

and so, after seekign answers from him, i truly respected his decision, even though it takes me 3 days after to know everything.

as for now, we are no longer together. simply frends. maybe we are not fated together. wad his dad may be right. we cant be together. it will be tough if we were to separate when we get thigns serious. so, rather do it now, den to break each other hearts later on in life.

yeah. i knw he will still love me no matter wad. and i will love him too. but maybe, i wouldnt put that love at the top. somewhere deep down. this teenage love will never be forgotten. its just that his parents take things serious abt us and wants to stop everything, before it gets too late. and i respected that.

mum told me to forget everything and start a brand new chapter in life. and i have to move on. yes, i will. but it may take me days, months, even years to move on completely. i dunno. but all i want u guys to knw is that we parted not due to our stupid quarrels or something. just simply..... our differences.

and with that, i say goodbye to year 2007. i'll close this blog an open a new one in 2008, which is in a few days time. till then, the rest is still unwritten.

so that night, he held me close, shed tears of sorrow, and cry our heart's out to see our love pass by. and i went home from that bbq arnd 10pm. he waved me goodbye and that was the last time we showed our love to each other. we start off the reationship with our secondary sch frends arnd and end it with their presence too. they were the witness that night. and so does the stars...
goodbye, love. till we meet again.

-& i leave you @ 13:17 :)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

MAY NOT BLOG FOR A PERIOD OF TIME

APOLOGIZE FOR THE MACAM-MACAM / UNNECESSARY TROUBLE. (?)

ANYWAY, BE BACK REAL SOON.

MOST PROBABLY, CHANGING SITE. LOL.

TAKE CARE PEOPLE!!!!!!

-& i leave you @ 22:40 :)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

so busy and i am so lazy to update! ugh. haha. but nvm. photos of my relative's wedding! woots! enjoy, peeps!

WEDDING DINNER.

NEXT DAY: WEDDING LUNCH

ok. thats it. (:

-& i leave you @ 10:06 :)

Sunday, December 02, 2007

i ever wondered whether ppl really notice my feelings. seriously. sometimes, all i want is to break free. maybe not in a way that i want things to totally get out of my mind. but then, i just want things.. to get clearer.

so today, i find it sucky. she said that she wanna go starhub and change the plan thingy. in the end, she didnt. why? because she said she's tired. the best thing was, she said yesterday, "ok. tmr we go, ok? we go out." it was tentatively yesterday. but lazy queue, den never. bagus lah tu. ugh. and him? God kows where he went. he said he go to his friends house. and he shouted at me. wth. and then she said, because i am rude to him, and shouted at him, thats y he talked to me like that also. Wow. look who is the older one here. i thought he is suppose to be the understanding one, to stay together as one. but look, i am beginning to feel that he is changing, AGAIN. i dunno lah. so, i dun think i wanna mention it here. after all the stupid stuffs that happened,i went to bed. try to forget everything. and the climax was, he went back home. oh. why not just stay at ur frends house? wad, at macpherson, or bedok? oh. i thought u not coming back at all. -_-. so now, everyone is minding their own business. oh yes. did i mention that we suppose to watch movie, together. the 4 of us, but minus him, because he said. "ni movie semua tak minat." fine. count him out then. in the end, she went market, go cook lunch. fine. nvm. still can take it. den, when i asked her abt today's plan, to go to the starhub thingy, she gave a vague reply. alrite. thats it. NO HOPE. den she said e movie thing, she will take leave, and go out. yes ar. its as if i dun have school. fine. nvm.

i realize that, at home, i didn't really show them my real feelings. i mean, just to please them? or maybe just not to make matters worse. and in fact, i am not jealous of my bro. he is likeable. i know. but as what dad said, "all u knw is to study. u dunno what humor is." ok. fine. if my bro is the one that u like the most, den be it. i cant be bothered anymore. sometimes when my friends tell me about their family outing.. like.. going for a picnic.. go exercise.. movies. go town... or stay at home and chit chat, wihout any quarrel.. so suddenly, i feel inferior. all i get is complains. sometimes, when i get home frm sch, thigns are alrd haywire. with my bro. hais.

since i blog all abt it, why not saying all my hearts out?

i still remember vividly when he whacked me real hard for attending band. thats so crappy. i cried one whole night in my room, without anyone approaching me. not even mum. thats where i realize i have to be very independent. yes, it is too muh for a 17 year old gal.

even some of my frends asked why i cant stay over for chalets.. stay till morning for bbqs.. sometimes.. i really wonder why. i am shy to tell my good frends, who are purely innocent why. yes, for those who doest know things, up till now, i cant stay over at chalet, and i can only attend bbqs till... latest... 10 plus. and then, i have to go home. even if im hanging out with the innocent ones. it's pathetic. i know. but wad to do? he laid the rule out clearly. and most of u wonder.. so where is my life?

i tell u. my life, is to study, stick with my family, laugh here and there with my frends. after sch, straight home. wanna go out, have to ask them. even if im going to compass point or hougang mall. call it pathetic, call it weird, call it stupid, call it crappy. i've said it. and yeah. im done. i knw all of u will go.. " wah. really ar? so strict ar?" ok. take that.

and with this, i only thank my dearest bf. he is the one who knows everything and in fact, understand all of my wants and needs. even sometimes, i cry, just to wonder why my life with other ppl is so different.

and mum, if u are reading this, pls dun get offended. no matter how u see in me, as a mature daughter, i stil have feelings and there will always be a kid in me. i am only 17. i still have things to enjoy for. i knw its difficult for u and dad to have that trust in teenage nowadays. but the word trust always involve risk. and u have, to start believing in me. maybe u all alrd did, but i just wanna tell u that i feel... different. yes, its good to be different. but.. sometimes, being the odd one out is difficult, mum. i am doing my responsibilities, by studying and fulfilling your needs. i am studying hard, trying to get close with all 3 of u. i always try to make everyone happy in the hse. maybe there are habits that i am still trying to get rid of. but im trying my best. but, i love all of u.

im just trying to let my hearts out. thats all.

-& i leave you @ 20:10 :)