Sunday, December 02, 2007
i ever wondered whether ppl really notice my feelings. seriously. sometimes, all i want is to break free. maybe not in a way that i want things to totally get out of my mind. but then, i just want things.. to get clearer.
so today, i find it sucky. she said that she wanna go starhub and change the plan thingy. in the end, she didnt. why? because she said she's tired. the best thing was, she said yesterday, "ok. tmr we go, ok? we go out." it was tentatively yesterday. but lazy queue, den never. bagus lah tu. ugh. and him? God kows where he went. he said he go to his friends house. and he shouted at me. wth. and then she said, because i am rude to him, and shouted at him, thats y he talked to me like that also. Wow. look who is the older one here. i thought he is suppose to be the understanding one, to stay together as one. but look, i am beginning to feel that he is changing, AGAIN. i dunno lah. so, i dun think i wanna mention it here. after all the stupid stuffs that happened,i went to bed. try to forget everything. and the climax was, he went back home. oh. why not just stay at ur frends house? wad, at macpherson, or bedok? oh. i thought u not coming back at all. -_-. so now, everyone is minding their own business. oh yes. did i mention that we suppose to watch movie, together. the 4 of us, but minus him, because he said. "ni movie semua tak minat." fine. count him out then. in the end, she went market, go cook lunch. fine. nvm. still can take it. den, when i asked her abt today's plan, to go to the starhub thingy, she gave a vague reply. alrite. thats it. NO HOPE. den she said e movie thing, she will take leave, and go out. yes ar. its as if i dun have school. fine. nvm.
i realize that, at home, i didn't really show them my real feelings. i mean, just to please them? or maybe just not to make matters worse. and in fact, i am not jealous of my bro. he is likeable. i know. but as what dad said, "all u knw is to study. u dunno what humor is." ok. fine. if my bro is the one that u like the most, den be it. i cant be bothered anymore. sometimes when my friends tell me about their family outing.. like.. going for a picnic.. go exercise.. movies. go town... or stay at home and chit chat, wihout any quarrel.. so suddenly, i feel inferior. all i get is complains. sometimes, when i get home frm sch, thigns are alrd haywire. with my bro. hais.
since i blog all abt it, why not saying all my hearts out?
i still remember vividly when he whacked me real hard for attending band. thats so crappy. i cried one whole night in my room, without anyone approaching me. not even mum. thats where i realize i have to be very independent. yes, it is too muh for a 17 year old gal.
even some of my frends asked why i cant stay over for chalets.. stay till morning for bbqs.. sometimes.. i really wonder why. i am shy to tell my good frends, who are purely innocent why. yes, for those who doest know things, up till now, i cant stay over at chalet, and i can only attend bbqs till... latest... 10 plus. and then, i have to go home. even if im hanging out with the innocent ones. it's pathetic. i know. but wad to do? he laid the rule out clearly. and most of u wonder.. so where is my life?
i tell u. my life, is to study, stick with my family, laugh here and there with my frends. after sch, straight home. wanna go out, have to ask them. even if im going to compass point or hougang mall. call it pathetic, call it weird, call it stupid, call it crappy. i've said it. and yeah. im done. i knw all of u will go.. " wah. really ar? so strict ar?" ok. take that.
and with this, i only thank my dearest bf. he is the one who knows everything and in fact, understand all of my wants and needs. even sometimes, i cry, just to wonder why my life with other ppl is so different.
and mum, if u are reading this, pls dun get offended. no matter how u see in me, as a mature daughter, i stil have feelings and there will always be a kid in me. i am only 17. i still have things to enjoy for. i knw its difficult for u and dad to have that trust in teenage nowadays. but the word trust always involve risk. and u have, to start believing in me. maybe u all alrd did, but i just wanna tell u that i feel... different. yes, its good to be different. but.. sometimes, being the odd one out is difficult, mum. i am doing my responsibilities, by studying and fulfilling your needs. i am studying hard, trying to get close with all 3 of u. i always try to make everyone happy in the hse. maybe there are habits that i am still trying to get rid of. but im trying my best. but, i love all of u.
im just trying to let my hearts out. thats all.
-& i leave you @ 20:10 :)
